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What Dreams May Come
In my search for truth, I had become the lie.
27 July 2009 @ 07:47 pm
04 May 2009 @ 02:18 pm
08 April 2009 @ 02:33 pm
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Emmy Rossum
05 February 2009 @ 05:12 pm
Current Mood: 
cheerful
cheerfulCurrent Music: Emmy Rossum
29 December 2008 @ 11:12 am
I'm going to be keeping this list starting January 1, 2009. It's a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the upcoming year. I tried to be realitic about my list, but I still put in a lot of things I've wanted to do in my life. Like, I didn't put stuff like "go to London", because I know we won't have the necessary funds to do so. It's realistic, but it should be a lot of fun. I can't wait to get started. I feel really, really good about this. It's like I am finally going to do a lot of what I have wanted. If I feel like the particular event was memorable or something, I'll explain in detail exactly what went about. I probably won't do it for everything on the list, but... More than likely I'll write a lot. It's what I do.
Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,
or what's a heaven for?
101 THINGS TO DO IN 20091. Work out five times a week for a MINIMUM of 20 minutes 
2. Do not have any fast food for 4 whole months (not consecutive) 0/4
3. Do not have any hot fries/hot cheetos for 4 months (not consecutive) 0/4
4. Read all six of the Jane Austen novels 0/6
5. Go on a roadtrip6. Take a dance class with Matthew
7. Lose 10 pounds
8. Drink the eight recommended glasses of water everyday
9. Learn yoga 
10. Learn to speak (some) Italian
11. Go to see a live play
12. Write a story that pops into my head, even if it is short
13. Clean out Rowdy's cage once every two weeks! 
14. Go get a professional mani/peni
15. Learn to cook 5 new things 0/5
16. Try three new foods that I have never tried before 0/3
17. Go horseback riding on the beach
18. Start learning how to swim 
19. Save change (only silver coins) everyday in a jar and DON'T TOUCH IT AT ALL (In Progress)
20. Try acupuncture
21. Read a book recommended by someone else, even if it is not my taste
22. Not dye my hair at all this year; keep it it's natural haircolor
23. Complete a book of sudoku puzzles all on my own (any level) (In Progress)
24. Learn to play at least one tune on my guitar
25. Play that song for Matthew
26. Give presents to loved ones for no reason at all 
27. Go to the zoo 
28. Visit a new museum
29. Try out a new restaurant 30. Learn to play a sport (one I don't already play)
31. Take Guizmo on weekly trips to the park
32. Get a 28 inch waist
33. Learn to play a game on xbox 36034. Go to a ballet
35. Participate in a marathon
36. Keep my GPA 3.0 or higher
37. Buy something spur of the moment that I don't need but want anyway
38. Go bike riding at least once a week
39. Go on a hike
40. Learn how to play chess
41. Read 50 books I haven't read before
42. Keep up with a skin/beauty regimen
43. Take Centrum pills every day
44. Watch 10 Indie films
45. Paint a picture
46. Take a picture of something memorable every day 
47. Discover something new in music 
48. Go to a bonfire at the island
49. Watch the stars at the beach with a real romantic picnic
50. Take a professional photo
51. Buy a cell phone 
52. Stop procrastinating in school
53. Attend a comedy show
54. Attend a music event
55. Go dance at a club
56. Learn something new at work
57. Win employee of the month
58. Keep up with one "Go Green" method
59. Keep a plant
60. Try something new sexually every week
61. Get my license
62. Do something I am afraid of
63. Stop buying junk food during breaks at work
64. Participate in a kareoke event
65. Give up soda for an 4 months (not consecutive) 0/4
66. Read the BSC series books I got in order
67. Learn 10 phrases in Japanese
68. Learn to do a split
69. Go to a carnival with Matt
70. Have a chick flick movie night
71. Go to a midnight movie premier
72. Get my library card
73. Go on a real picnic
74. Take a sexy photo for Matthew as a gift
75. Go on a ghost hunt/tour 
76. Host a dinner party
77. Do a strip tease for Matthew
78. Attend a party79. Apply for 5 scholarships 0/5
80. Get my CP
81. Bake someone a cake 
82. Have a romantic, candlelit dinner at home 
83. Get up to see the sunrise at least 15 times 0/15 
84. Watch 10 foreign films
85. Get my first professional massage 
86. Participate in a school event
87. Submit a story to a magazine for possible publication
88. Get the carpet cleaned
89. Try 10 different types of tea 0/10
90. Keep the onions in my burger
91. Add a salad to every other meal
92. Keep bills and pay checks organized
93. Listen to every album in my ipod 
94. Send information to the clinic
95. Get a medical checkup
96. Get missing vaccinations 
97. Visit the dentist
98. Buy new glasses99. Get cable TV
100. Buy a new DVD rack
101. Get the recommended eight hours of sleep every night 
I bet I can do every single thing on this list.
Current Mood: cheerful
cheerfulCurrent Music: Michael Buble
14 December 2008 @ 12:06 pm
Something totally random happened, and I don't know whether or not to think of it as good or bad. "G" has been emailing me lately, and I actually wrote back.
She and I were such good friends... we were best friends all throughout high school. We had a falling out over something completely stupid. In fact, I didn't even know what the hell was going on... She just stopped talking to me from one day to the next. When I found out why, I was so upset. It was so STUPID. High school bullshit.
I know that even now that we have started "talking" again things will never be the way they were. We can never go back to being best friends the way we were in high school.
But it's nice, catching up on our lives. She's pregnant now, and she hadn't even told me. In fact, I only found out cause I happened to be on her myspace page and saw other people congratulating her. I wasn't even invited to her baby shower. It stung a bit, I'll admit that... But whatever. I don't need that crap...
So yeah, she's unwed, pregnant, living with her mom with her unemployed boyfriend, and she dropped out of school and has some crappy minimum wage job. I haven't seen her in the longest time, but I heard she's not looking too great.
Hell... It makes me sad, cause she was always more popular than I was back in high school. She was more outgoing, and always had some guy or other after her. I was quiet and bookworm-ish, and while some guys were interested, I usually was not.
But now look at me. I married the guy of my dreams (who is employed and in college). We had a great wedding and honeymooned in Hawaii. We have our own place, I have a good and stable job, and I am one year from graduating from college. I have no kids because I am waiting until I have graduated and have started a career. I have an adorable dog, and a cute pet mouse though. All that, and I am just 22 years old.
It's amazing how different our lives are.
And though I would have wanted things to be better for her, I can't help but be happy that I succeeded. Me, the girl that was always overlooked.
I am BETTER than she is. And I'm glad, and I flaunt it. Is that bad? Does that make me a bad, selfish person?
I do hope she gets her act together and goes back to college.
If not for her sake, but for the baby.
She and I were such good friends... we were best friends all throughout high school. We had a falling out over something completely stupid. In fact, I didn't even know what the hell was going on... She just stopped talking to me from one day to the next. When I found out why, I was so upset. It was so STUPID. High school bullshit.
I know that even now that we have started "talking" again things will never be the way they were. We can never go back to being best friends the way we were in high school.
But it's nice, catching up on our lives. She's pregnant now, and she hadn't even told me. In fact, I only found out cause I happened to be on her myspace page and saw other people congratulating her. I wasn't even invited to her baby shower. It stung a bit, I'll admit that... But whatever. I don't need that crap...
So yeah, she's unwed, pregnant, living with her mom with her unemployed boyfriend, and she dropped out of school and has some crappy minimum wage job. I haven't seen her in the longest time, but I heard she's not looking too great.
Hell... It makes me sad, cause she was always more popular than I was back in high school. She was more outgoing, and always had some guy or other after her. I was quiet and bookworm-ish, and while some guys were interested, I usually was not.
But now look at me. I married the guy of my dreams (who is employed and in college). We had a great wedding and honeymooned in Hawaii. We have our own place, I have a good and stable job, and I am one year from graduating from college. I have no kids because I am waiting until I have graduated and have started a career. I have an adorable dog, and a cute pet mouse though. All that, and I am just 22 years old.
It's amazing how different our lives are.
And though I would have wanted things to be better for her, I can't help but be happy that I succeeded. Me, the girl that was always overlooked.
I am BETTER than she is. And I'm glad, and I flaunt it. Is that bad? Does that make me a bad, selfish person?
I do hope she gets her act together and goes back to college.
If not for her sake, but for the baby.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Boring- The Pierces
17 November 2008 @ 03:26 pm
I should be happy, and I am I suppose, deep down inside. I guess I'm just afraid of what this will bring: I am almost a college graduate and I am freaking out. I don't know what I want to do with my life... I mean, I do.... I just don't know if I'll be able to do it. I have a great support system. I always have someone behind me, pushing me forward and telling me "Of COURSE you'll be able to do it!"
But how do they know?
I'm 22, but I feel so much younger.
And yet so much OLDER.
I don't know. I think I'm rambling.
Then there's the whole weight issue. Damn it, why can't I just stop obssesing about my body? I keep thinking of ways to make myself thinner... And then when I don't go through with them I beat myself up about it.
And I'm turning into such a bitch. I'm so critical of others... I realized it this morning.
You see, every morning I wait for Matthew in a couch that's just right outside of his class, and every morning at the same time this girl (she looks maybe a few years older than me...give or take 28 years old) walks by to her office, which is right across from Matt's class. And every morning I watch as she carries a McDonald's breakfast meal into her office, sits at her desk, and eats while she works.
What bugs me is that this girl is very overweight. She's big... And that breakfast thing she eats every damn morning bugs the hell out of me. It's disgusting, and she's not helping herself. I think to myself, "How can she put that gross, jelly & butter covered biscuit into her mouth? Doesn't she want to get better? Doesn't she look in the mirror?" It makes ME not want to eat.
As I was thinking about that yet again this morning, it suddenly occured to me that my obssesion with my own body is making me into someone different. Someone with thoughts I never would have had. Mean, ugly thoughts.
I don't want that, and yet I can't stop.
I want to be thinner. I want to be beautiful. I want to be better.
Perfect.
No matter what.
I don't want to be the girl with the McDonald's breakfast meal.
But how do they know?
I'm 22, but I feel so much younger.
And yet so much OLDER.
I don't know. I think I'm rambling.
Then there's the whole weight issue. Damn it, why can't I just stop obssesing about my body? I keep thinking of ways to make myself thinner... And then when I don't go through with them I beat myself up about it.
And I'm turning into such a bitch. I'm so critical of others... I realized it this morning.
You see, every morning I wait for Matthew in a couch that's just right outside of his class, and every morning at the same time this girl (she looks maybe a few years older than me...give or take 28 years old) walks by to her office, which is right across from Matt's class. And every morning I watch as she carries a McDonald's breakfast meal into her office, sits at her desk, and eats while she works.
What bugs me is that this girl is very overweight. She's big... And that breakfast thing she eats every damn morning bugs the hell out of me. It's disgusting, and she's not helping herself. I think to myself, "How can she put that gross, jelly & butter covered biscuit into her mouth? Doesn't she want to get better? Doesn't she look in the mirror?" It makes ME not want to eat.
As I was thinking about that yet again this morning, it suddenly occured to me that my obssesion with my own body is making me into someone different. Someone with thoughts I never would have had. Mean, ugly thoughts.
I don't want that, and yet I can't stop.
I want to be thinner. I want to be beautiful. I want to be better.
Perfect.
No matter what.
I don't want to be the girl with the McDonald's breakfast meal.
Current Mood: 
contemplative
contemplative04 June 2008 @ 12:52 am
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Anna Nalick
08 May 2008 @ 12:37 pm
bored